Letter to the Editor: Student satirizes library policies

Dear Editor,

Recently, I’ve noticed that the library has made a concerted effort to keep kids out.

This is, in my opinion, an excellent idea, as we all know that children hate to read, and just use the library to do drugs and retrieve alcohol stashes from hollowed-out books.

However, I feel like the library could do better at keeping kids out for good. For example, right now passes are required at intervals that are entirely unclear, and this is a decent idea, but you know what would be better? Requiring passes all the time. Lunch? Need a pass. Classes? Need a pass. Morning? Need a pass. Afternoon? Just trying to hang out with friends? Screw that, we all know they just want to cause trouble! Make them get a pass!

In that same vein, making people sign in and out every time they go in is good, and having them add five minutes to sign in and out to spend 30 seconds to print a paper is a stroke of genius, but we need to up the ante; the kids have to despise signing in and out. So here’s what I’m thinking: you add a purpose when you sign in, and a reflection when you sign out, 50-word minimum. If these hooligans are going to be “hanging out” in the library for 15 more seconds, we need to know what exactly they were up to.

Let’s make this apply to passing periods, too. If they want to tread on these sacred surfaces just because it’s “faster” and “more efficient,” and they don’t want to “walk around the whole f****** school,” they need to respect our arbitrary rules and spend an inordinate amount of time at the tablet, just like every other student that we have also forced to obey our useless and excessive regulations.

Anyway I hope you take my suggestions to heart! I think they are exactly in line with what you already want.

Dorothea Starr LeBeau

PS: I forgot to mention, I adore how you lock students in during lunch. Forcing them to miss whatever free time they have left after finishing work for no apparent reason whatsoever is the kind of cruelty I aspire to.

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