Natalie Johnson
Humor Columnist
Ah, the Holidays. I don’t care what you celebrate or what you believe in -it doesn’t matter. What truly matters is that we all agree on some minor adjustments to Christmas. Here are my propositions:
Section A: Outdoor Christmas decor
All flashing lights, if you find it in your heart necessary to irritate your neighbors and have spastic decor, must be turned off two hours post nightfall. All homes sporting flashing lights must have signs in the yard warning passersby and neighbors of the danger of seizures.
All multicolored lights must be the same–no slightly differing shades, no change in tint.
Inflatables must be re-inflated prior to sunrise in order to prevent a yard looking like the site of mass-homicide; that’s just tacky.
If your decor includes Santa’s sleigh on the roof or in the yard, make sure nobody else in the neighborhood has Santa at their house. It’s simply confusing to see two Santas down the street from one another.
Section B: Christmas music
All radio stations must acknowledge that the same song, despite being sung by different people, is still the same song.
Playing all Mariah Carey or Michael Buble will make for a long, whiny holiday season. Spare us.
Section C: Time of year
As such as I hate the cold, nobody likes a lukewarm Christmas. It’s December; it’s meant to be frigid. Maybe Santa can give us some cooler temperatures, maybe even some snow…
Christmas is really just one day. Maybe two, because for some reason the day before is just as big a deal, but the Christmas season goes on for months! It starts a week before Thanksgiving and goes until New Years, unless you’re one of those people who leaves their lights up until March, especially differing multicolored (the worst).
If we all abide by these minor changes to the season, we can all get through the holiday season and make it enjoyable for the masses!
