The ECHO gives tips to survive the zombie apocalypse

Junior Jack Killeen, senior Alex Ring and sophomore Bennett Durando portray a zombie apocalypse. (Photo by Eddy Berthier from WikiCommons and adapted by Alex Ring.)

Junior Jack Killeen, senior Alex Ring and sophomore Bennett Durando portray a zombie apocalypse. (Photo by Eddy Berthier from WikiCommons and adapted by Alex Ring)

Jack Killeen
Feature Editor

With the popularity of the zombie apocalypse rising like a hand from the dirt, The ECHO has begun to fear such a reality.
ECHO staff members have devised strategies to survive against zombies in Webster High School for its readers.
Step 1: Amp up your playlist. ABBA is a great way to stay entertained during the zombie apocalypse. Its upbeat and catchy melodies will certainly keep survivalists optimistic in such times of doom.
NOTE: If listening to music through ear-buds, be sure to take them out in the hallway. It may be the zombie apocalypse, but school rules still apply.
Step 2: Avoid the cafeteria. If there were ever to be a virus to turn all of mankind brain-hungry, it almost certainly will be conceived in the school cafeteria, probably in the meats.
Step 3: Form a group. Do not pick couples because their frequency to neck at random times, including the passing periods in front of the whole student body, will create a hazard for other group members.
Couples will easily get distracted by compulsions in the most life-threatening of situations and are therefore labeled as unreliable and incompetent.
Also when they break up, they make no effort to control their emotions and volume, practically yelling at the zombies their exact coordinates.
Step 4: Find somewhere to sleep. You can almost never be certain where a zombie might be hiding, but The ECHO guarantees its readers will never find a zombie in school bathrooms because of the bathrooms’ vile condition. Although it would mean safety from the living dead, the cons of living in Webster’s bathrooms greatly outweigh the pros of life.
Step 5: Follow the school dress code. There’s a reason students aren’t allowed to show their shoulders, and that’s zombies. More skin coverage equals fewer biting areas and increased safety, so no spaghetti straps during the apocalypse!
Step 6: Find a clean source of water. It may be tempting to take a sip from the school water fountains, but this is to be avoided like the sirens who entice sailors towards a rocky doom.
The mysterious green substance surrounding the faucets arouses The ECHO’s safety concerns for its readers. In fear of the unknown, don’t drink from the water fountains.
Step 7: Sign up for The ECHO. The newspaper is appealing to colleges and The ECHO can count as an English or practical art credit.
Step 8: Find a consistent source of food. Cockroaches are a nutritious and abundant supply of food at Webster High School. Survivalists will find that a cockroach-based diet is the easiest solution to avoiding starvation.
Following cockroaches are the school vending machines. With the vending snacks being so expensive, there will surely be a copious supply of stale popcorn chips leftover from pre-apocalypse life. The only problem posed by the vending machine food is taste.
Step 9: Set up a watch system. Be sure to keep a close eye on the senior entrance for incoming zombies because the person who’s supposed to watch the doors rarely looks up from his computer.
Follow all these steps, and you will most definitely survive.



Categories: Opinion

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